Something’s wrong
I’m not sure what
It’s a mix of emotions
Loneliness mostly, I think
Something’s missing
It’s fascinating how you can be surrounded by close friends
And still feel so completely alone
Because as much joy as they may bring you
They’re just not what you’re looking for
They’re not what your soul needs at the moment

I had a hot date this past Monday
My dad had off work
And wanted to go to DC
I’m not very close with him
Over the years we’ve drifted apart
But we always find something to talk about
I keep random facts stored in my brain for such occasions
I have to admit it bugs me though
He always delves so deep into things
He always has to find a meaning behind everything
Like everything stands for something else
I can see where he’s coming from most of the time
But 99% of the time I’d rather laugh with him,
Or anyone for that matter, than contemplate life
Annoyances aside, I had a great time
The weather was wonderful and
It was nice to spend a day with Daddio
The best part of the trip?
The Hirshhorn contemporary art museum and sculpture garden
A large amount of my memories from childhood are from
Visiting art museums or galleries
Sometimes to see my dad’s work
Most of the time just for fun
So it was nice to be able to do that with him again

(A few photos from the day… )

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As some of you may know
I made a post not long ago
About my friend’s mom who had suffered from a severe stroke
I’m glad to say I visited her yesterday
It was like nothing had changed
She’s home
And still her spunky, stubborn, funny, adorable self
There’s not many people I love more than her
We’re lucky to have her 
She’s a miracle in every sense of the word
So thanks to all of you who kept her in your prayers or thoughts
I truly appreciate it 
I know her family appreciates it
And I have a feeling she does as well ;)

 

 

 

(I love you Little Deta)

I wish you could be here, feeling as I do tonight
I’m sure you have similar situations and similar places
That make you feel the way I do now
But it’s nice to share moments like these with other people
And know they understand your happiness

It's around 2am
I’m sitting on my bed,
By the window
It’s open
It finally feels like spring
It sounds like spring
My neighbors are out on their porches
I can hear some of them talking
I cup my ear to listen in but there’s too much going on around us
And I can’t make anything out
A woman from the bar yells goodbye to her friends as she drives off
Someone yells something causing her to laugh
Her car races down the street
In the distance an ambulance screams as it pulls out of the fire station
Dogs bark while people walk along the sidewalk
The highway gives off a dull hum
As tractor trailers speed by to make their shipment on time
I can hear some street bikes racing on the highway as well
A stray cat cries below my window
I swear it sounds like it’s dying but I hear it every night
Just then a taxi pulls up to the corner and beeps
The bar’s emptying out
And loud motors shake the house as they drive by
The breeze is kind of cold
I pull my comforter close
And wish I could be out there watching and listening first hand
But the view from my window is a close second

I was watching 'Leave It To Beaver' earlier

When my dad called

He had locked his keys in his truck

And needed me to bring him a spare

He was a street over

Working in our row-home

Getting it ready for the new renters

I found his keys

And was tempted to grab mine as well

I'm so used to driving everywhere

But I looked out the window

The sun convinced me and I figured I'd walk

It's just around the corner right?

How lazy would that be if I drove?

I haven't taken a walk in my neighborhood for at least two years

That's sad isn't it?

It was nice

It wasn't a long walk

But it was invigorating

in·vig·o·rate
Pronunciation: \in-ˈvi-gə-ˌrāt\
: to give LIFE and ENERGY to

As I walked out the front gate

And walked along the sidewalk

Slowly turning my head to look for cars

It struck me and half amazed me that such a small thing

As how I cross the street

Can make me all sad and nostalgic

By the way Billa,

I almost walked out into a car

But I thought about our conversation

And I'll attribute that to me not getting run over today,

So thanks

As I walked through the alley

I passed row-homes that I've spent

Almost as much time in as my own home

Now I hardly see the people that live in them

Let alone spend time with them like I used to

When I reached the row-home

I sat on the ledge of the yard on the other side of the alley

The yard that used to belong to my uncle, aunt and three cousins

What happened!?

I still feel like it's our yard

I dropped the keys off and, truthfully,

My dad asked me to but

I didn't really want to stick around

I wasn't really in the mood to reminisce

Walking back home I saw Mr. Amig

He's one of those old sailor dudes

With anchor and stripper tattoos covering his arms

He's a family friend that goes back to when

My dad was growing up in this neighborhood

I regret not saying hi

He looked busy

That was my excuse

I know he would've liked to see me though

I turned back onto my street

Deliberately walking in the middle of the road

Convinced that I'd do this more often

Because minus the old memories it was fun

I hope I do take another walk soon

Even if it is just around the corner

The weather's been nice enough to

"Back then the Navy took the Coast Guard over in war time…"
That's how Pop-Pop always started
Everyone would roll their eyes and sit back for another
Rambling story that never really had a plot or a point
But that first line never put me to sleep
As everyone else was sitting back I'd inch up

I can't fully remember his stories
They were always the same though
In a different order sometimes
But always the same script
He'd talk about his first job;
Picking strawberries,
The first time he met my grandmother;
He'd see her from his window every morning as she walked to work
She was engaged, but he took the ring off her finger and
I guess the rest, as they say, is history
But mostly he'd talk about the war

He'd tell us about the time his brother came to visit him
When I was younger I never really understood
Why he always seemed so excited about it
But when I think about it now
In the middle of a war
It must be a wonderful relief to see a familiar face
His brother was passing through the same area as he was;
I wonder what the probability is.
One of the guys on my grandfather's ship told him
Someone had stopped by, asking for him
They hadn't given a name
The next time he came back my grandfather was thrilled to see who it was
Apparently someone in charge didn't like him visiting though
But my grandfather was proud to say he told them to fuck off
Pop-Pop would then ramble off a bunch of places he'd visited
"Sicily, Italy…"
Those are the only two words I remember him saying
because of the way he'd say them
"Sis'ly, It'ly..."
He'd talk about the morning Patton and his men
Were being filmed on a beach as if they'd just arrived;
Taking credit for whatever it was that had happened
My grandfather would then say,
"We were done eating breakfast long before he got there",
With a subtle tone of disgust

He'd talk about storming Normandy too
It was really only two sentences
But they were always upsetting to hear
And as I grew up, the most heartbreaking part of it
Was that Pop-Pop said them so nonchalantly.
I can't remember his exact words
I guess I was too preoccupied
To remember the way he'd formed the sentences
But it was a story of a friend
One minute fighting alongside him
The next minute laying in the sand
With half his head and brain scattered around them
Against someone's orders Pop-Pop dragged him... somewhere
I'm not really sure where he dragged him,
I guess I wasn't paying attention at that point
That's normally where his stories would end
Sometimes he'd talk about his nine brothers and sisters
How his older brother would spit in the ice cream
So no one else could eat it
Or he'd teach us how to say beer or pee in Polish

I'd give anything to have recorded his stories
To be able to hear them word for word
I'm lucky to have heard them at all though
I'm thankful to have heard them at all

I got a letter from AmeriCorps the other day
I've been waitlisted
It's better than nothing, I guess
But who wants to sit in the waiting room
When you don't even know if you're going to be called into the office?
30% of wait-listers are asked to serve
Now that's a pretty good amount
But it sure doesn't give me too much hope
If I don't get into the Fall program
I can request to be considered for their winter program instead
If that falls through I guess I'm screwed
What the hell am I going to do then?
College?
Please don't send me back there again
Not now
I don't want to take a loan out for school when I don't have a major
I'd just be bullshitting until I settled for something
Money; the root of all evil and cause of all my stress
Well anyways,
I've got 10 days to get fingerprinted and to fill out and sign all the papers
Then I'm on call
Hopefully they'll call
They better call

"Well behaved women rarely make history."

This is definitely going to be a rambling post
I have nothing to write
I feel so completely empty of thoughts at the moment
Empty of feelings too
Do you ever have those days?
When you just don't really care about anything?
When you're not yourself at all?
Normally music can cheer me up
But some days I can't even stand to hear it
I think it's the repetition of life that puts me in this mood
I hate when I'm hanging out with someone on these days
I feel like I'm letting them down
I'm not really in the mood for conversation

In a normal week I have a few days to myself
Lately I spend them in the basement messing around with stained glass
But these past few weeks I've been busy
I don't like those kind of weeks
Even though I'm busy because I'm with friends
I hate when I don't have at least one day of creativity
I hate when I don't have time to be alone
I guess I can blame it on being an only child
Most people with siblings don't understand when I want to be alone
They take it personally

I think everyone needs time alone though
It's in that time that I've grown the most
It's kind of like a debriefing
A time to reflect and organize my thoughts
I don't actively reflect and organize
I just focus my attention on something
All my attention
On art
Until everything else fades
That's when a sort of inner dialogue begins
It's feels so natural that my mind can't help but wander
And every time it wanders it can't help but go deeper
And it's in those moments when I can really find myself

ocean city, md : circa 2005

Last Friday my mom and I went to my
Old elementary/middle/high school's production of Fiddler On The Roof
(I'd been a part of Redeemer's drama team for 5 years; 8th to 12th grade)
It's always bittersweet when I go back to visit
It's great to see everyone again
The welcome is always amazing
Sometimes it boggles my mind, how everyone is so excited to see me
Hey, calm down, it's just me
I don't get it, I guess I'm just as excited to see them too though
But It's sad,
Knowing that the times I had there are over
Knowing that as precious as my memories of those days are
And how vivid they may be
And how many times I may play them over and over
They're still not going to be reality ever again

I can still see Emily and I
Sneaking out of set construction on Saturday mornings
To walk through the field to the convenience store for lunch
I can hear the sound of people practicing their lines in the lunch room
As Mrs. Haley directs them and
As Kevin, Andrew, and I mess with the video camera in the hallways
And the sound of walkie-talkies in the dark
As the behind-the-scenes crew would chill outside
While waiting for the play to end
I can feel the cold air while playing sardines in the night
And the fear when you were all alone in the graveyard
Looking for someone to hide with
I can feel the monotony of sitting around a table
And designing every little detail of a costume or set
I can still feel the excitement of opening night though too
People rushing everywhere
Hearing them running up and down the stairs
Running to get things in place and alter costumes last minute
The smell of make-up and hairspray in the background
The feel of burnt hands and fingers from trying to curl hair much too fast
The laughter from messing around with the make-up to waste time
The sound of that old metal door under the stairs
That always had to be taped so it wouldn't lock us out
And the sound of us banging on it when it did
The smell of the boys changing room, errrgh
The sound of people singing and nervously running lines
The sound of Kevin and Andrew interviewing us
The creak of wood from sneaking up the stairs
To watch from the sides of the stage
The constant "Shhh" from the stage crew
Mrs. Haley chugging a bottle of sparkling cider
As she'd give her last speech in the basement
And on the final night of the play,
Being able to walk out onto the stage as our names were called
And knowing that the applause truly was sincere
And that we had worked hard for it

Sometimes I think, how can those times be over?
Weren't they just yesterday?
I'll just get everyone back together and we can do it all again
But it doesn't work like that
Why?
Maybe if it did I wouldn't appreciate it as much as I do now
I don't think I'd mind not appreciating it as much though
I just want it back

The way people may, or may not, react to me
Is not necessarily a statement of my personality
-But always a reflection of theirs

What makes us take things certain people do, or don't do, so personally?
Compared to someone else doing the same thing and us not even thinking about it?

You know when there's that one person you like?
And maybe, for example, they don't take the time to talk with you
And you feel crushed?
Even though that person may not even know how you feel about them?
As opposed to someone who may be just a friend,
Who doesn't even say hi and you don't think twice?
What's up with that?

Or maybe they say or do something hurtful,
On purpose or not,
These people may not even truly know who we are
But we let them hurt us
They may not even be intentionally causing us pain

Why can't we let these things roll off our backs
And realize the pain we feel should only be blamed on ourselves?

There's a new man in my life
His name's Dusty
He's not much of a talker
I don't mind though; he loves to cuddle
His head is laying on my chest
Listening to my heart as I write this
He has huge dark eyes and
As many of you know I have a weakness for gingers

We met Yesterday morning
He was in the yard with my dog, Toto
I didn't ask why; I fell in love as soon as he looked at me
I brought him inside and called the number on his collar
The man on the other end claimed he didn't have a dog
Guess I have a new boyfriend

This weekend I went to Virginia
Cary had a water polo tournament
Melanie drove
I called shotgun
Jennie crammed in the back, with Roy and "Rocky",
As she kicked the car into neutral
And Cary got the trunk
I swear it took us 5 hours to get there

We stayed at Melanie's friend's apartment
I don't think his roommates liked us very much
We were locked out far too often

The second night her friend wasn't home
And the roommates were either
Fast asleep or laughing at us freezing in the snow
I've decided on the latter
I figured the only thing we could do
Was to show up at Melanie and Cary's friend Kevin's door and pout
How could he turn us away if we pout?
It worked

One of his roommates was away for the weekend
So Kevin slept in his bed
Melanie slept in Kevin's bed
Jennie, Cary, and "Freshman Steve" cuddled on a futon
And I slept on the couch downstairs
Or at least tried to
Little did I know that the living room
Heated up to a toasty -20 degrees
I shivered under my coat staring at the microwave clock all night
Hoping Kevin's other roommate wouldn't walk in
And think I was some homeless girl who wandered in
When I woke Melanie up that morning she pointed out
Roy's unused sleeping bag on the couch in front of me
...Nice

The weekend was full of...
Rocky hanging out the car window
Rocky hanging out the sunroof on the highway
Rocky hanging out the car window and losing his hat
(Resulting in Melanie yelling at Jennie for no apparent reason;
Like only a soccer mom could do)
Speedos and the smell of chlorine in a snow storm
Hot wing eating contests
Car sing-a-longs
Reunions
Trying to use the term "Dangly Bits" 10 times in a day
Middle school-type planning about crushes
Parties
Walking into random parties to chase after Rocky
Almost getting in an accident every 5 minutes

I learned…
That JMU has an amazing dining hall
That I can be embarrassingly blonde at times
That Rocky is always reading a magazine
That if Carmen San Diego and Where's Waldo had a kid
They'd never be able to find him
That sometimes people don't really appreciate
When I wake them up in the morning by singing Backstreet Boys
(And that this hour is Mel's and she's taking it)
That first impressions aren't always reliable;
Especially if your first impression is based on someone's drunk personality
And
That I know some pretty amazing people…

And I can think of 5 right now

You know you desperately need a job when you're approached by a man, with $60 and a camera, who asks you to take photos of him "with less clothes on" and for a second you consider it.

After two failed attempts
I finally got a call from an AmeriCorps NCCC leader and
Had my phone interview, last Wednesday, for their fall session

One of my least favorite interview questions is
"So, tell me about yourself…"
Ahhh! What!? No. Be more specific!
Luckily her question was
"So, tell me about yourself. How did you hear about this program?"
Thank God; that I can answer
The rest of her questions were things like
"What does work ethic mean to you?"
"Why is diversity important?"
"What would be the hardest part of this program for you?"
"Do you have any experience working on a team?"
"How do you deal with conflict?"
"Why are you interested in working with us?"
"If there were only one more opening why would we pick you?"

I'm glad this was over the phone
I had written some possible questions with a
List of one word answers to keep myself on topic and
To not sound rehearsed
99% of the questions she asked were on my paper and
The rest of the interview was improv
I'm a great BS'er sometimes

Overall I think the interview went well
There were enough opportunities to talk about
Projects I've worked on and
Teams I've worked with

The only thing left do now is wait and see if
Anyone else was more qualified
I'll consider myself lucky if I get waitlisted
I'll be getting a letter within 2-3 weeks

"…We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson


Thank you for giving me the opportunities to let my light shine.
Thank you for giving me the confidence to face my fears
Thank you for convincing me that I am beautiful; inside and out.
Thank you for giving me optimism and courage to take on the world's challenges.
Thank you for pushing me to do my best in everything.
Thank you for teaching me that life is beautiful;
That the simplest things are worth more than anything I could buy.
Thank you for igniting my imagination.
Thank you for teaching me to let things roll off my back,
But to stand my ground simultaneously.
Thank you for showing me how to have fun in everything I do.
Thank you for keeping me well-rounded.
Thank you for letting me express myself.
Thank you for trusting me.
Thank you for always believing in me.
Thank you for giving me your love.
Thank you for giving me your all.

I love you. Happy Anniversary.