more than a year
still can’t shake the feeling

                                      I’m waiting for something.  
            I can feel it.

When I was young, my dad made a video full of random moments he had recorded of my mom and me. This song was included; and never fails to make me cry.

 

      She doesn’t know what she’s doing.  Every aspect of her life seems to be locked away in it’s own separate box.  She can’t find the keys, but every once in a while she’ll look through the hole and see an outline of something familiar.  It’s dark, she can never figure out what it is.  Sometime’s it feels right, when she’s looking in.  Sometimes it feels wrong, or maybe just different.  Different sounds kind of nice.

      In her mind, she’s got nothing to call her own; except her mind.  She’ll drive for hours, just her and her thoughts.  Trying to sort things out, but mostly just staring out the window.  It’s hard to organize when there’s so much clutter.  If this was real she could bag it up and drop it at the back door of Goodwill.

      Her ears never stop listening, her eyes watching.  When she stops, problems nag to be dealt with.  She doesn’t have the motivation.  She’s frustrated.  Her frustration causes her to snap.  Now she feels guilty, sorry.  She wishes she could tell you, explain to you, make you understand why, tell you she’ll make it up.  Instead she says nothing and you figure she’s just cold and just can’t be bothered with you.  You figure she just doesn’t love you.  A lot of people figure that.

Sometime last week, I was surfing through iTunes and fell in love with a few Podcasts, two in particular.

The first, The Moth Podcast, “features people telling true, engaging, funny, touching and eye-opening stories from their lives”.
The second, entitled, NPR: Radio Diaries Podcast, describes itself as, “historical documentaries weaving together home recordings, archival news audio, and first person accounts to bring the past to life.  Extraordinary stories from ordinary places”.

I advise you to type them both into your iTunes’ search bar and start listening from the beginning.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
                                                               -Anais Nin

Alexi Murdoch; ‘All My Days’

 
This doesn’t feel like Casey  
             And I’m not sure how long it’s been  
                                                        Since I lost Her

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods;
There is a rapture on the lonely shore;
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep sea, and music in its roar:
I love not man the less, but Nature more...
- Lord Byron

I realize this post won’t mean to you what it does to me
I’m writing this for myself, I guess

’Snowflakes Are Dancing’ was a 1974 album
By Isao Tomita
Consisting entirely of Claude Debussy’s “tone paintings”
Performed on a Moog synthesizer

As a child my parents and I would turn out the lights at night
Play Tomita and hide under a blanket
While we’d kick our feet to create sparks

I remember thinking it was as if
We were flying through space
The stars shooting by at warp speed

This is my favorite song from the album

I miss it terribly

"...But what I hope most of all, is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that,
even though I do not know you,
and even though I may never meet you,
laugh with you, cry with you,
or kiss you, I love you.
With all my heart,
I love you."

When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn’t change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.

Unknown Monk, A.D. 1100

 

 

 

"I will speak ill of no man, 
and speak all the good I know
                                  of everybody." 
                                       - Benjamin Franklin

I believe, at this moment,      
   There is so much on my mind;     
      That there is nothing on my mind.

    
Last Sunday my dad wanted me to fly
Don’t ask me why I got a present for Father’s day
I tried to convince him that he should be the one in the driver’s seat
But he insisted

I’d never been in a plane before
(Could I feel more sheltered and naive right now?)

It was a small plane,
Able to tightly squeeze four people
It was just three of us though

When we first arrived at the airport, just over the Bay Bridge,
The secretary, probably 20, was sitting there watching Home Alone 2
And informed us that our instructor was on his way
My dad said he was sorry to steal him from his family on Father’s Day
The secretary said it was fine, that he didn’t have kids
(That should have tipped my dad off)

We spent the next ten minutes or so talking with a young pilot
Who was filling out some log books
We had been talking about how
I hoped to skydive sometime this summer
And he told us he used to fly the planes for
The skydiving company in Ocean City that I’ll be jumping  with 
(He first got into flying because of his neighbor who flies the
Plane with advertisements flapping behind it along the beach)

A few minutes later our instructor, Matt, walked in
I had picked up on it but my dad was in obvious shock
He gave a short nervous laugh and asked how old Matt was
The secretary laughed and said he was 22
I honestly think my dad second guessed going up with him

After getting situated in our seats, Matt started the plane
We sat at the end of the runway for a couple minutes,
Letting the engine warm up, and talking into our headphones
(Which I have to admit was pretty fun… “over and out”)

Looking out the window as we lifted off the runway was a bit surreal
I wasn’t sure how I’d feel when the moment actually happened
I knew I wouldn’t be nervous
But as the ground grew farther and farther away
My silence must have translated into fear
And Matt’s voice chuckled into my headphones
That he thought I was nervous
I tried to tell him otherwise but I don’t think I convinced him
I was too excited to care
    My dad told me later that he knew I wasn’t

The whole thing felt like a dream
It’s like I have memories of something,
But was never there to experience it

The main thought floating through my mind the entire time
Was how strong my urge was to open my door and jump
…(While wearing a parachute)
It just seemed so safe and easy
Of course that’s not the case but try and tell flying Casey that

We got to fly over my Grandparent’s house
And we even followed the outside of the ‘no fly zone’ around the city
Close enough to see our house

One of my favorite parts of the ride,
Aside from actually flying the plane,
Was listening to the radio
Hearing different airlines and airports talking back and forth as friends
And being a part of that interaction was thrilling

I have to admit that I wished I was a bit taller
Trying to fly while being 5’3” feels more like
A 3 yr. old trying to drive a car 
At some points it was nearly impossible to see over the dash
I slid my seat all the way up and I still could barely reach the pedals
While trying to taxi after we had landed

As we were getting in position to land, my dad said
He was sorry he ever doubted Matt
Matt laughed and said we were lucky we didn’t
Get some of the 17 or 18 yr. olds that worked for them

I want to go back

 

  Do you ever look at old photos of people you once considered friends and realize you never knew them? Sometimes people don’t want to open themselves up, but I wish I had encouraged them to try. I wish I had tried.

  Sometimes I wonder if the majority of couples love each other due to their own inner fantasies or expectations of their “better half”; instead of the reality of their relationship

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.
"It's a thing that happens to you.
When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse,
for he was always truthful.
"When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.
"You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

 

P.S. “That's why it doesn't happen often to toys people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.”
…Deep right?

Some friends and I went to the zoo in DC today. While I was in the restroom, I couldn’t help but hear a grandmother talking to her grandson in the stall next to mine…
“You’re not going to pee your pants are you? You better not pee your pants. You better not embarrass me. Don’t embarrass Grandma by peeing your pants. I’ll spank you if you embarrass me.”
Are you kidding me!? I’ve never been more tempted to punch a grandmother; okay that’s the first time I’ve ever wanted to punch a grandmother. Seriously? Who says that!? Embarrass you? He was like two years old!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lately I’ve been reading a book called, ‘Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You’’, by Sam Gosling, Ph.D. Last night I finished a chapter in which Gosling writes about a study done between strangers and what it takes to bring them together; what it takes to make them friends; where the line between small talk in a subway car ends and a friendship begins. In this study, psychologist Arthur Aron places two strangers in a room for an hour; they are given 36 questions. One person reads a question and they both answer. The questions are created to quickly jump to intimacy levels that would typically take weeks, months, or years to form. If we were asked to describe an acquaintance we would usually describe them with traits, such as friendly, lazy, helpful, easygoing, honest, happy, moody, selfish, or shy. To describe a friend is not as easy. Mere adjectives cannot capture the personalities we are so close to. The personalities we have come to love deserve more than adjectives. Enough rambling though; I’m getting a bit sidetracked.

Today, on my way to the post office, I saw a grandfather carrying his grandson, who must have been about 2 years old, on his shoulders. I saw him stop, drop to all fours, and let his grandson hop off. I thought it seemed like an odd way of letting him down but I didn’t think anything more of it. As I drove by, the grandfather curled into a fetal like position. Stopped at the red light, I waited for him to stand up from the sidewalk and continue on, but he just stayed, curled up, as his grandson watched him rock back and forth. The light turned green and I immediately felt that something was wrong, he looked like he was in obvious pain. I drove through the intersection and made a U-turn. As I turned back onto the street where they had been I saw that they were up and walking again. I still don’t know what happened but in that split second these two people went from strangers to people I felt close to. They didn’t feel close to me, they probably didn’t even notice me, but I was worried about them, just as I would be worried about a friend in the same situation. What is it about certain emotions that bring us together? I first saw them walking and felt happy seeing them together, of course that made me feel closer to them but it was only until I felt fear that my level of intimacy for them skyrocketed. What is it about fear or even sadness or embarrassment that makes friends? Is it the fact of banding together to help one another? Is it our response of letting our guard down in order to reach out for safety? Like reaching for your neighbor’s arm while watching a horror film? Happiness leaves room for walls to stay erect; our need to feel safe orders a demolition of them.

When I got home this morning
My street was blocked by two police cars
Then, a few hours later, by a fire truck and ambulance
I had to park a block over and walk home
I didn’t see it as an inconvenience at the time but I wasn’t exactly thrilled
I guess you could say I’m thankful now though

It had started getting dark and my street was finally cleared
So I decided to move my car back in front of my house
But first I had to go to the post office
Had my street been clear when I first got home
I would have taken my usual route
But seeing as I was on another block I went a different way

It was as if I had driven into another dimension
It’s amazing how different something seems
By just driving the opposite direction
Where was I?
I didn’t know this city
I thought it looked beautiful though
A place I’d like to live
Sure I like my neighborhood
I love it
But it’s the kind of love that no matter how eternally deep 
It has lost it’s shine, it’s sparkle, it’s excitement, it’s butterflies

I love those moments when you see something differently
It’s like you’re seeing it for the first time
And, if only for a second, it gets it’s shine back
I love those moments when you see people differently too
When they show you a side of them you’d never expect
It’s like they remove a mask
And you see them as a new person
And you have a deeper respect and love for them
When you’re that much closer to loving every inch of them
Isn’t that what everyone wants?
Be it romantic or not
To love someone for every inch of who they are?
Whether it be shocking
Beautiful
Unpleasant
Awkward
Innocent
Guilty
Happy
Depressing
Peaceful or
Embarrassing
And for someone to love us just the same?

So, I went to Preakness yesterday. My dad is a carpenter for the Maryland Jockey Club so he gets free infield tickets. Honestly, the fact that they didn’t let people bring in their own alcohol this year kind of ruined the whole thing. I don’t drink so that wasn’t really the issue, it was just that no one showed up… well, compared to previous years. It was kind of a let down. Hopefully next year will be better. God knows Pimlico needs the business. I’d rather be in the stands though. Yeah I’d have to rub elbows with some raised pinky fingers, but I can deal with that if it means I get to be in the middle of a roaring crowd during the race. All in all it wasn’t so bad, Rumi and I decided that next time we’re going to be dressed up in the stands though.

Friday was an exciting day. Here’s the short version of what went down… There were more than 20 police officers and SWAT team members at my house and our rental house next door, with their shields and guns pointed at every window, inching their way up to the rental house door. They knocked down the door and ran in screaming. Apparently the whole time this was going on they had people on the roof of a Best Western a block away with binoculars checking the place out. After they raided the place and realized nothing was wrong they checked my house. They informed me that someone had reported a hostage situation. It seems that my dad found my mom in bed with another man and threatened to kill them both at gun point. That's extra weird since they were both at work when this happened. So once they realized my parents weren’t home they thought I was the hostage wife. “Uh, not that I know of?”